Kinksters wear all kinds of collars for all kinds of reasons. Some people are more casual about wearing them, using them for fashion. Do goth kids know they adopted collars from gay leathermen? Most kinky folk have pretty strong feelings about what a collar symbolizes, and how sacred those commitments are. There’s no doubt that collars are emblematic of power exchange in the eyes of the mainstream. There's something super kinky about Carrie Fisher on a leash. And it's even more erotic because she's a princess on a leash. She's empowered. A badass in her own right, who refuses to be captured and abused by monsters like Jabba.
I believe in assigning power to things.
To me a collar represents security, protection, belonging, and a commitment to service. I have a collar that I own myself. If I’m not collared by someone else, I wear it when I want to maintain a submissive headspace while I’m doing daily things, or when I’m bottoming for someone. It’s both a symbol of my submission and an amulet of protection. Very similar to how Wonder Woman’s cuffs both protect her from harm, and are a reminder of her submission to the goddess. It’s still a commitment of service, but when I am wearing my own collar, it’s a service to myself - a sort of self-care. It’s also a reminder of my goals as a humanist- as a human being in service to my community and loved ones. Although I have worn my own collar in “public,” I’m reluctant. I’m afraid people will think I’m making light of something that symbolizes the core beliefs of ethical D/s. Instead I adopted wearing a single, black leather cuff for vanilla settings. "I don't believe in luck, but I do believe in assigning value to things. "
The idea of a Dominant person “considering” me for a collaring feels nostalgic. An era come and past, for the most part, with some old-school Kinksters still keeping the traditions alive. The whole process of D/s-laced courtship that collaring a submissive entails feels traditional - conservative, even - compared to the hook-up culture prevalent in vanilla dating scenes. As I learned to see my submission as strength, to see value in my service, I found myself raising the bar for the Dominant people in my life. I have happy, loving relationships with people I will not submit to. Living authentically, I can love many, but submit to few.
You’re just as much under consideration as I am.
As a babe submissive, I tried out my new empowered thoughts about being “considered for collaring” with justified trepidation. When a Dominant told me I was “under consideration,” I said, “You’re just as much under consideration as I am.” Many more times than not, Dominant men bristled to the idea that they might have to prove themselves as much as they asked of me. It became an early litmus test for worthy Dominants. When I say it now, I can only hope it is received a sign of how serious I take that kind of commitment. Accepting someone’s collar is a promise of devotion and service. It’s a commitment to be your Dominant’s humble side-kick. To have complete faith and support in all their missions, to be helpful and resourceful when needed, and to be their loyal confidant, and ally.
It’s fair to set an amount of time to consider my patterns of behavior and learn where my priorities are. That period of deeper appreciation and understanding of each other creates a solid foundation for any relationship, D/s or not. It’s equally as fair for me to take time to consider your style of dominance, how you treat others, and how you present yourself in the community. It’s in the small things; I can tell everything about a Dominant by how they treat their dog, for example.
A Good Dominant Could Do Wonders With Me
When I’m considering letting a Dominant person collar me, I am considering if they are someone I would be proud to serve. As I am learning how best to serve you, I am also watching how you receive my service - with gratitude and grace, or with entitlement. Some Dominants have gone to great lengths to train me to how to make them happy, but the ones who are still in my life are Dominants who ultimately trained me to make myself happy. They helped me become my best, authentic self. In their own way, they serve me as much as I serve them. The power is one-sided, but the care is reciprocal. In short, I need to be able to look up to you. Ethically speaking, you have to stand this tall to ride this ride.
”I finally quit apologizing for it… For being something different. For being strong. Strength is a style." - Carrie Fisher
In return for their dominance, when I’m wearing someone’s collar, I serve as a reflection of my Dominant. If I am meek, or rude, or lazy, then my behavior reflects poorly on my Dominant as my leader, disciplinarian, and mentor. To me, the greatest sin is to cause my Dominant shame. Instead, when I am wearing a collar my Dominant gave me, I am extra careful that I am presenting myself in a way that would make them proud - helpful, kind, inclusive, grateful, and patient. On the flip side of sin, the feeling that I did well, that I exceeded their already high expectations, to feel their pride in me, to hear them tell others, or to see them look down at me with that expression on their face, a mix of awe, gratitude, and joy - you know… I’d climb mountains and swim oceans for that look.
I’ll earn someone’s collar. I should earn it if it’s worth anything. But you also earn the right to place it around my neck. My submission is precious, and I’ll only give it to someone worthy of the gift.