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You're Probably Kinkier Than You Think

If you’ve had a few sex partners, it’s likely you’ve experienced some form of BDSM, even if you aren’t exactly sure what that jumble of letters means. If you’ve ever used a necktie to bind your partner’s wrists to the bedpost, or felt the warm tingle of a slap on your skin and liked it, or murmured blush-inducing adulation of her slutty mouth, then you have already been acquainted with the culture of Kink.

Perhaps you’re ready to crawl a little further into the rabbit-hole of BDSM. Please allow me to assist you in your descent into decadent sexual debauchery.

BDDSSM

BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism. It’s a huge umbrella of an acronym, encompassing more kinks and fetishes than I could list here, although there are checklists available. Usually subcategorized into Bondage & Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism & Masochism, BDSM is the exploration and practice of power exchange and pleasurable pain.

Guidelines for Safe Play

BDSM can be dangerous if done incorrectly, so responsible Kinksters should make sure they’re participating in Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) or whatever acronym for safe kink you relate to. RACK It means just what it says. Be aware of the risks involved, and make sure you understand and communicate consent with partners.

The goal of sadomasochism is to cause pain – not harm. Great lengths are taken among risk-aware, safe Kinksters to prevent harm from being inflicted. Negotiations are a crucial part of playing with pain.

Communication, education, and practice are key to preventing emotional or physical harm. A kink community can be instrumental in finding people who can instruct safe play techniques, and for checking references for potential play partners. Special care should be taken when experimenting with emotional pain. Any humiliation should be balanced with equal parts adoration.

Always have a safe word. It can be any word, preferably one that is not difficult to say. One of my former partners liked kumquat. Many kinksters use red, yellow, and green to indicate how to proceed.

Green – “All systems are go. Proceed with the beatings!”

Yellow – “Something doesn’t feel right. I need you to check on me before we continue, but we can continue once there are adjustments made.”

Red – “Stop everything immediately. Cut the ropes. Administer water, cookies, and cuddles STAT.”

This scene from "Secretary" where Lee refuses to remove her hands from the table is a perfect demonstration of discipline. 

This scene from "Secretary" where Lee refuses to remove her hands from the table is a perfect demonstration of discipline. 

Bondage & Discipline

Bondage is a keystone to kink. Used to facilitate power exchange and pain, bondage can take on myriad forms, styles, and arrangements. From using a scarf or necktie to bind a partner’s wrists, to the artful and intricate shibari, bondage can be done by the most novice beginner and mastered by the most experienced Kinkster.

Before you start trying to suspend your sexpot from the ceiling, you should negotiate any limitations or boundaries that each of you have, and any medical conditions of the person being tied – usually called the bottom. Be especially careful if you have circulatory issues. Once you’re tied up, make sure to keep communicating if something doesn’t feel right. If you’re the Top, or the one doing the tying, make sure to check for discoloration of skin while you’re swinging the flogger. If the skin starts to turn blue, it’s time to loosen up. Ligature marks can be a source of pride for a bottom, and will fade over the course of a few hours.

Discipline refers to the training a submissive or bottom receives and practices during a kink session. Training can include behavior modification reinforced with physical or psychological pain, pleasure and teasing, or loss of freedom. Discipline helps increase focus, which is instrumental in processing pain. The structure created in discipline can make the bottom feel more emotionally secure.

For example, a submissive could be trained to process pain more effectively through increased focus:

He dragged her by the hair to the bathroom and made her open her eyes. When she did, she saw that her mascara had smeared across her cheeks. He lifted the paddle in his hand while she watched in the mirror. She flinched instinctively, twisting her ass away from him causing his grip on her hair to tighten.

“Don’t flinch,” he said, “Don’t close your eyes.” He lifted the paddle again, holding it in the air, tormenting her with the pregnant pause. This time she took a long, slow breath and concentrated on her own eyes. She blushed looking at herself, but she did not drop her eyes and instead squared her chin.

The paddle came down with a loud “thwack” that echoed in the room. Her hips turned away from him against her wishes, and his. He was patient. They tried again. She continued to breathe rhythmically through several more solid swats to her burning hot ass until she was able to watch the paddle strike her skin without so much as a tremble from her lips. It was more than she had thought herself capable of handling. A small, prideful smile crept into the corners of her mouth.

Dominance & Submission

Also known as D/s. The exchange of power in kink comes in many flavors. Those who hold power are called Tops, Doms, Dominants, Masters, or a plethora of other titles. Those who relinquish power are called bottoms, subs, submissives, etc. Power exchange is exemplified in kink through language, behavior, customs, attire, and rituals. Dominance and submission are separate from sadomasochism. It is not necessary to enjoy pain play to enjoy dominance or submission. A dominant or submissive can also be any gender or sexuality. The only requirement is the desire to have or release control. The amount and type of control exchanged is negotiated between partners and will vary from person to person, and from session to session.

Though debated among Kinksters, it could be argued that the bottom or submissive ultimately retains power, even as they are submitting, because by using a safe-word the bottom has the power to make all activity stop immediately and end the scene.

Femdom. :) 

Femdom. :) 

Sadism & Masochism

Sadism is sexual pleasure derived from administering physical or emotional pain. Masochists are those who get their jollies from receiving that pain. Different kinds of pain are pleasurable to different kinds of masochists, and different sadists have their special interests, too. Physical pain can range from anything to a light spanking to caning to bull-whips. Emotional pain includes humiliation, objectification, or dehumanization. The tools and toys used to administer pain are sources of both pride and fear, and kinksters may spend years building their collections. Kinksters are also fond of “kinkifying” household objects for the use of administering pain. Masochists enjoy exploring all the different kinds of pain and sensations, while sadists enjoy cries, pleads, and moans that those sensations induce.

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