How to Fail at Being a Domme

Power exchange is different for everyone, and to each their own. But there are some really quick ways to win the DoucheDom of the Year award. Here are a few:

Keep your expectations impossibly high.

Your submissive wants to be punished, right? So you need things to punish him for. Make sure your instructions are contradictory so that there is no way to win. It’s called “predicament play.” Shrug off his pleads for forgiveness, and apply arbitrary consequences on a sporadic basis.

Fill the room with your ego.

You are gawd’s gift to all submissives. Make sure your submissive knows this by constantly having him refer to you as Mistress Domina Ma’am at the end of every sentence. Constantly remind him that he is inferior. Demand immediate and unquestioned obedience to every whim and desire. Take every hyperbolic stereotype you’ve seen in dominatrix film and literature and amplify that by 73%. Yes, that exact amount, and not one percentage more. You don’t want the bubble to burst. It’s a little like keeping your tires at the premium density. You don’t want your ego to pop from a minor bump in the road.

Be the boss.

You are the instructor, trainer, manager, director, and quality control of All Things Important. There’s no need to take into consideration the needs and desires of some slave boy. Let alone teach you something. What could a lowly submissive ever teach a Domina? Nothing!

Use the smoke-and-mirrors communication strategy.

You’ll come off as mysterious and stoic. Subs love that. Plus, having no idea what you’re thinking or feeling will keep them on their toes. Skip the negotiations before and during a kink scene. He’s there to serve you.

Be duplicitous.

Never mean what you say, or say what you mean. If you don’t know what you’re doing, just fake it. When told your play partner’s limits, say you’ll respect them; you won’t get many kink scenes by refusing to adhere to limits. But if you’re used to playing games, and win most of the games you play, you should be able to slowly manipulate your way past them.

Be indifferent.

You are the star of your own fantasy and he is merely a player on your stage. There’s no need to consider his needs. No need to make an effort to fulfil the fantasies that he brought to the situation. If you’re shrewd with the submissive you chose, you can find one who hasn’t learned how not to be a doormat. Then you can wipe your black leather boots all over him.

Be unrealistic.

The goal is to break the submissive down into a bruised puddle of tears his first time out of the gate. Yielding to the experience level and expectations of your submissive is only a sign of weakness. Submissives aren’t nurses, teachers, executives and professionals with jobs and lives of their own. They have no interests beyond ball-gags and latex. Expecting a submissive to be at your beck and call 24/7 is a stirring show of respect for your submissive’s humanity, when not chained to a St. Andrew’s cross.

Be as thin as cardboard.

“Fifty Shades of Grey” is the bible of power exchange. No, better yet – every bad 80’s dominatrix in black patent leather thigh-high boots and brandishing a cat-o-nine. You’re going for cardboard cutout,

here. Don’t try anything fancy. Do not adhere to your own style and interests. Confine yourself to the conception of femdom portrayed in the media, or even kink communities.

Be a coked out mess.

By all means, indulge. Hedonism runs through kinkster blood much like those drugs you’re shooting. We all understand the need for adrenaline here. We are all fiends for endorphins. Whores for dopamine. I mean, you might actually cause damage to someone who entrusted you with their vulnerability, you might be shunned by your kink community as a hazard, but what the hell. Be a fucking headliner. “Dominatrix charged with Manslaughter, Local BDSM Club Raided As A Result” Why be a responsible adult when you can be the poster-child for a “war against kink” in the media.


Continue doing things that don’t make you happy, and let everyone else know how unhappy you are.

Originally published @TheDialogueChronicle (now offline) August 25, 2014